Put ME First

I deserve it all. I deserve to be impressed upon. I deserve to be treated as the queen I am. My beauty , compassion, consideration, all my good qualities deserve acknowledgment and nurturing. I deserve to be love wholeheartedly. I deserve to be taken care of.

I want it all.

I want to be treated like the special person I am.

I deserve a loving relationship with the man God designed for me. But until this man appears, I deserve and want to be treated with lobe, respect, consideration. 

I no longer want to be objectified. I no longer want to be a sex goddess except for my loving, caring, kind and compassionate husband.  I no longer wanted to be seen only for my outer beauty. I want to be seen for my internal beauty. I want that man to cherish it, handle it with care, respects it (me).

I no longer want to settle.

I want to be treated extra special. Extraordinarily special.

I want to be first in his life. His queen. He dream love. His peace. His comfort. His everything that’s good and of God.

Watch “Joseph Murphy – Whatever You Give Attention To The Subconscious Magnifies – Relax and Listen.” on YouTube

I am hoping you will get some healing from this.

https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxLnOZgnLH0VQi05pcu1L6Rli77D0lHuE0

Holding onto faith. Look at that beauty. Look at God’s miracle. Yet still I lay here crippled by sadness. I lay here for the last 2 hours after picking up my son from school just scrolling however hungry and tired.

Holding onto faith. Look at that beauty. Look at God’s miracle. Yet still I lay here crippled by sadness. I lay here for the last 2 hours after picking up my son from school just scrolling however hungry and tired.

unsound thoughts #?

I look at myself; my body, my legs my thighs, my butt, my arms… all I see are flaws. Flabs. Loose skin. I am 5’7″ and 118 lbs. I can do nothing about it. I mean I can do something about it. I know what to do. But I can’t, I am drained. I am tired. I have no energy.

I look into my life, the potential, the experiences, the strength, yet still I struggle.

I look at my son; he’s smart, he’s loving, he’s sweet, energetic, shy not too fierce. He’s emotional and sensitive. He is challenged and I cannot help him. Why? I am not equipped and it is tiring getting equipped on very little resources and very little help.

I look at my support system, where is it? The man you fathered the child with? Deadbeat but wants full custody. Yes that is correct DEADBEAT and wants full custody. You must be thinking, “then you must be the problem”. Learn the history.

Random Thoughts #4

It’s only been 5 years and 10 months. Finally some resolutions. I hope. First 7 months of that 5 years, i thought it was over for at least another 5 years. Who am I fooling? I knew this would be a battle for the next 18 years. Although, deep down I was, am hoping not so long. Maybe by the time baby boy gets to 10 years old the powers that be would regard his feelings and opinion.

Now, September 8, 2021, New powers, New stance, new approach. Finally, joint custody, care and control to Respondent, mother, liberal access to application, father. With a few tweaks, which in my opinion, most was for the better. I did not fight the maintenance. Your sorry ass can more than afford to feed our child but you refused to. I am his mother and I will continue to ensure all his basic needs ate met. And continue to do way more than basic needs, ALONE. And I am ok with that.

However, that 1 point, traveling…. no sir I do not want our kiddo to leave this country with you. I fear deeply you will not return our child.

Random Thoughts #3: High on confusion?

What is there to think about? Your son needs tutoring in reading. What do you need to think on in details? He’s spending half of summer holiday with you, and only glued to the tablet or a phone. Due to a pandemic, fuck you covid-19, he missed fundamentals in reading skills development. Yea, he wasn’t taking to online school. And oh yes, mommy had to work and to parent and run a household at the same time, ALONE. Fucker, what is there to thinking about. The tutor was sorted. Pay the fucking fees and help to educate your child!

Random Thoughts #2

It started as looking for relationship to just having fun to now “not sure what the fuck this is”.

I settled. When we met I was looking for a steady and stable relationship. He wasn’t. But he was so good, was so great and caring. He was spectacular. I couldn’t give up on the possibilities of magical experiences. And so far it has been magically. Every Single Encounter.

Of course no regrets. Just that, now I want more. But then more of what? I am happy. He’s so supportive. He is always present. He believes in me, in all of me. He never doubts my capabilities and he encourages them. He fosters growth in me. He is kind. He always wants me to be ok. And yes, the love making is just amazing. Every experience is different.

Then what is the matter? What more is there to want? I want to contribute more to his wellbeing. I want to be all that he has been for me and more. It feels one-sided. And it’s not for lack of trying. He doesn’t allow it. Yes, he’s self-sufficient. But is there more behind it? He hasn’t committed to me 100% I do not think. But I have no reason to believe he’s seeing other people.

My concerns, I would be too broken if one day he gets up and settle with someone else. Yea the fucking norm for me. What the fuck is wrong with me why no one sees me fit for a wife? Is it because I have a toddler? Is it because I have a strong personality. Fuck, I do not even have to talk back to him. There has never been a reason for it. Solving problems with him has been so easy and seamless.

This is fucking confusing. I settled but he knew. I didn’t hide the reason for me settling. I want to be the option when you are ready. I want to be your everything, the same you are mine.

Yes, I am fucked! Royally, properly fucked.

Empty

Empty

Self-deception at its best

Self-deception at its best.